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How Developmental Stages Should Shape Parenting Plans

Fri, 13 Feb 2026 22:59:54 GMT

How Developmental Stages Should Shape Parenting Plans

Creating a parenting plan is one of the most significant challenges parents face during separation. While it is natural to focus on your own schedule or legal rights, research consistently shows that the most successful plans are child-focused and tailored to a child’s specific developmental stage.

Because children grow and change rapidly, a schedule that works for a toddler will likely be unsuitable for a teenager. Understanding your child’s age and corresponding stage of life allows parents to build security and support healthy brain development.

Key Principles for All Ages

Regardless of your child's age, certain core principles remain constant for their well-being:

Conflict is Harmful: Children are significantly harmed when exposed to parental conflict, especially during transitions or exchanges.
Stability is Security: Building security back into a child’s life immediately after a split is vital for their long-term health.
Two Parents are Better Than One: Unless safety is at risk, children benefit most from the ongoing, meaningful involvement of both parents.

Developmental Stages & Scheduling Needs

The following table summarizes how developmental tasks might influence your parenting time decisions:

Practical Tips for Successful Co-Parenting

When a child is non-verbal or very young, information sharing becomes the bridge between households.

Maintain a Communication Log: For infants and toddlers, use a notebook to document feeding times, diaper changes, sleep duration, and any new developments.
Prioritize the "First Port of Call: When a parent is unavailable during their scheduled time, consider offering the other parent the first opportunity to care for the child before calling a third-party sitter.
Step-Up Plans: For parents re-establishing a relationship, use "step-up" plans that gradually increase time and overnights at a pace determined by the child's response.
The "Transition Pack": Encourage children to carry "important" items like a favorite stuffed animal, blanket, or security toy between homes to provide continuity.

Assessing Your Readiness for Overnights

Before implementing overnight stays for children under three, consider the "pre-existing conditions" for success:

Safety: Is the child safe and are the parents safe with each other?
Relationship Quality: Has the parent been a consistent, comforting presence for at least six months?
Responsiveness: Can the parent recognize and respond to the child's signs of stress or overload?

Special Considerations for Hawaii Families

In Hawaii, our community values play a significant role in how we resolve disputes. When shaping your plan, consider how the schedule affects the child’s relationship with extended family , including grandparents and siblings.

Finding Your Path Forward

Transitioning from a single household to two is a journey that requires patience, communication, and, above all, a commitment to your child’s emotional security. By aligning your parenting plan with your child’s developmental milestones, you are providing them with the stability they need to thrive during a time of significant change.

Remember that a successful parenting plan is not a "one and done" document. As your children grow, their needs will shift—and your plan should be flexible enough to grow with them. Whether you are navigating the frequent contact needs of an infant or the growing independence of a teenager, focusing on aloha and cooperation will always be in the best interest of your ohana.

We’re Here to Help

Navigating these changes can feel overwhelming, but you don’t have to do it alone. At Family Mediation Hawaii, we specialize in helping families create child-focused, sustainable agreements that keep you in control of your future.

Call us for more information or a free consultation at (808) 439-8600.

Cost, Conflict, and Control

Thu, 11 Dec 2025 21:15:35 GMT

Understanding Your Divorce Options

Understanding Your Divorce Options: Cost, Conflict, and Control

No two divorces are the same — but every separating couple faces a similar question: How do we get through this process in a way that minimizes cost, conflict, and stress?

Divorce doesn’t have to mean going to court. In fact, there are several ways to reach a resolution, each with different levels of cost , conflict , and control over the outcome. Below, we walk through the most common divorce processes, from the simplest “kitchen table” approach to full blown litigation.

1. Kitchen Table Divorce: Lowest Cost, Lowest Conflict, Highest Control

In a “kitchen table” divorce, couples sit down together to discuss and resolve their own issues — such as property division, parenting schedules, and support.

This approach works best when:

Communication remains respectful and cooperative
Both parties feel comfortable negotiating directly
There is basic agreement on major issues

Even in this informal process, couples have the option to get legal advice in advance . Many couples use unbundled legal services — limited legal help for reviewing or drafting the separation agreement — to ensure their documents are complete and their agreements are legally enforceable.

This option is the least expensive and allows the parties to retain control over the final outcomes but requires both participants to solve their problems on their own.

If you’re looking to complete a Kitchen Table Divorce, there are some great free resources. The “Divorce Law in Hawaii” program is an educational Zoom session that discusses useful laws relevant to divorce in Hawaii. Sessions run every 3 ^rd Wednesday of the month:

Register Here

2. Mediation: Low Cost, Low to Moderate Conflict, High Control

In mediation, a neutral third party helps couples talk through disagreements and reach mutual decisions. The mediator doesn’t take sides or decide for you — instead, they facilitate a conversation and clarify interests so both voices are heard.

Mediation can include or exclude attorneys, depending on everyone’s comfort level. Some people consult a lawyer before mediation to get prepared, or after mediation to review the agreement before they sign.

Benefits:

Voluntary and confidential
Usually completed faster and at a fraction of the cost of litigation
Empowers both parties to create durable, customized agreements

For many families, mediation is the best balance between cost, cooperation, and control.

3. Collaborative Practice: Moderate Cost, Moderate Conflict, Moderate Control

Collaborative divorce involves two specially trained collaborative lawyers , one for each spouse, who agree not to go to court . The process may also include professionals such as a family therapist or financial specialist to support communication and financial planning.

The collaborative model is ideal for families who need structure and professional support but want to avoid the adversarial nature of court.

However, if the process breaks down, both parties must hire new attorneys to litigate — which can increase costs. For the most part, parties still retain a high level of control over the outcome and lawyers are incentivized to settle or leave the case.

4. Lawyer Negotiation: Moderate to High Cost, Moderate to High Conflict, Moderate Control

In a lawyer-led negotiation, each spouse hires a traditional attorney to advocate and negotiate on their behalf. If one party withholds information, attorneys can use formal discovery tools to obtain financial or other documents.

While negotiation can lead to settlement, entrenched positions or emotional conflict can quickly escalate costs and stress. If lawyer negotiation does not resolve the issues, these cases often end up in court.

5. Arbitration: High Cost, High Conflict, Low Control

Arbitration is essentially a private judge making a decision for you. Both spouses hire lawyers and agree to have a Private Judge (Arbitrator) make binding decisions.

Because it’s private, arbitration can move faster than the court system and allow families to select a judge with specialized experience. However, it remains a high-cost, high-conflict option, as each side prepares and argues their case through attorneys. Additionally, the Arbitrator has the power to make legally binding decisions so parties give up control of the outcome with arbitration.

6. Court (Litigation): Highest Cost, Highest Conflict, Lowest Control

When all else fails, families turn to Family Court , where a judge hears evidence and makes legally binding decisions.

While necessary in some cases involving domestic violence, safety concerns, or total breakdowns in communication , court is often the slowest, most expensive, and most stressful path.

Court also removes control from the family — a judge, not the parents, decides what’s “best.” And while appeals are possible, they can add months (or years) of additional litigation.

Choosing the Right Process

When deciding how to proceed, consider these three factors:

Conflict: How well can you communicate and cooperate?
Complexity: Do you need professionals to help with finances, children, or communication?
Control: Do you want to make your own decisions, or let a third party decide?

Here’s a summary of the considerations:

Final Thoughts

Divorce is never easy — but the approach you take can make a world of difference. Options like mediation and collaborative practice help preserve dignity, reduce emotional and financial strain, and support families in transitioning peacefully into their next chapter. Many families also find it helpful to use a combination of approaches, such as handling some issues through kitchen table discussions while bringing other matters to a mediator or other professional.

At Family Mediation Hawaii, we help families find the process that best fits their values, goals, and unique situation — because every family deserves a path forward with less conflict and more compassion.

Learn More About Mediation

We offer free phone consultations to help you understand the mediation process and determine if it’s the right fit for your family. Call us today for more information, or click the link below to get started.

Contact

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Mediation and Blended Families

Mon, 29 Sep 2025 20:08:13 GMT

Addressing Step-Parents, New Partners, and Co-Parenting Structures

Blended families bring unique joys—and unique challenges. While forming a new family unit can be rewarding, it also introduces complexities that can strain relationships, especially when children from previous relationships are involved. Mediation provides a structured, supportive space to navigate these challenges while keeping the focus squarely on the well-being of the children.

Understanding the Dynamics of Blended Families

A blended family may include step-parents, new partners, and children from multiple households. Each family member may have different expectations, habits, and emotional needs. Common challenges include:

Step-parent boundaries: Understanding the role of a step-parent without undermining the authority of the biological parent.
Co-parenting coordination: Ensuring that parenting schedules, rules, and expectations are consistent across households.
Communication with new partners: Balancing respect, collaboration, and conflict resolution between adults in the child’s life.
Emotional adjustment for children: Helping children feel secure and supported as family structures change.

These situations can quickly become stressful if approached without clear communication or planning.

How Mediation Supports Blended Families

Mediation offers a neutral environment where all voices are heard and solutions are crafted collaboratively. Here’s how it helps:

Clarifying Roles and Boundaries
Mediation allows parents and step-parents to discuss their expectations openly. Questions such as, “What role will a step-parent play in discipline?” or “How will decisions about schooling and healthcare be handled?” can be addressed clearly and respectfully.
Developing Effective Co-Parenting Plans
Blended families often need flexible co-parenting arrangements. A mediator helps create schedules and rules that honor children’s routines while considering parents’ and partners’ availability.
Fostering Healthy Communication
Mediation encourages constructive dialogue, helping reduce misunderstandings and conflict. Families learn to express needs and set boundaries without escalating tension.
Centering Children’s Needs
Every decision in mediation is guided by what is in the best interest of the children. Mediation helps adults navigate disagreements in ways that minimize stress for kids and support their emotional well-being.

Practical Tips for Blended Families

Document agreements: Written co-parenting plans help prevent confusion and disagreements.
Be flexible: Children’s needs and schedules may change, so plans should allow for adjustments.
Respect relationships: Encourage children to maintain strong bonds with all parental figures.
Use professional support: Don’t hesitate to involve mediators, counselors, or parenting coordinators when needed.

Conclusion

Blended families have the potential to thrive when boundaries are clear, communication is open, and children’s needs remain the priority. Mediation provides a safe and structured way to navigate complex family dynamics, empowering parents and step-parents to work together constructively.

At Family Mediation Hawaiʻi, we are committed to helping blended families find solutions that honor every family member while keeping children at the center.

For more insight on step-parents’ roles in blended families, this podcast is an excellent resource: How Should Step-Parents Fit In? by Lisa Damour, PHD

Learn More About Mediation

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Relocating After Divorce in Hawai‘i

Sat, 23 Aug 2025 00:45:09 GMT

Tips, Legal Considerations, and Co‑Parenting Guidance

Life after divorce often brings big changes. For many families in Hawai‘i, one of the most significant—and challenging—changes is relocation. Whether it’s a move to another island, the mainland, or even within your own community, relocation after divorce or separation raises important legal, emotional, and practical questions. If you’re considering a move, here’s what you should know and how mediation can help.

________________________________________

Legal Considerations in Hawai‘i

When parents share custody, relocation isn’t a simple decision. Hawai‘i courts evaluate relocation requests by considering the best interests of the child. Some key factors include:

• Impact on the child’s relationship with both parents

• Reasons for the move (job opportunities, family support, cost of living, education, etc.)

• Feasibility of preserving strong parent child relationships despite distance

• Practical considerations like travel time, costs, and school stability

Even if a parent has sole physical custody of the child or children, they may need the other parent to agree to the move because relocation significantly impacts custody and timesharing. If the non-moving parent does not agree to the relocation, the parent requesting relocation may need to go to court to argue that the relocation plan is in the child or children’s best interests.

________________________________________

How Mediation Supports Relocation Decisions

Litigation can turn relocation into a bitter legal battle. Mediation, on the other hand, creates space for parents to focus on solutions that prioritize their child’s well being. Through mediation, parents can:

• Develop child centered parenting plans that work across distances

• Negotiate travel schedules and costs fairly between households

• Explore creative communication tools like video calls, messaging, or virtual school check ins

• Create realistic timelines so that everyone knows what to expect and can plan

• Maintain flexibility so agreements can evolve as children grow and circumstances change

With the guidance of a neutral mediator, families are more likely to reach agreements that reduce conflict and preserve relationships.

________________________________________

Practical Tips for Families Facing Relocation

1. Plan ahead. Relocation affects housing, schools, and finances—start conversations early.

2. Focus on consistency for children. Keep routines as stable as possible to ease the transition.

3. Prioritize open communication. Be transparent about your reasons for moving and your hopes for maintaining co parenting cooperation.

4. Involve children appropriately. Give kids space to share their feelings while keeping adult decisions with the adults. Never send messages to the other parent through the children.

5. Seek support. Counseling, parenting classes, and mediation can provide guidance during this transition.

________________________________________

Final Thoughts

Relocation after divorce or separation is rarely easy, but it doesn’t have to mean endless conflict. With thoughtful planning and the right support parents can create agreements that honor both family connections and new opportunities. Mediation offers a path forward—one that keeps the focus on children’s best interests while helping families navigate change with respect and collaboration.

If you’re considering relocation and want to explore how mediation can help, reach out to us at Family Mediation Hawai‘i. Together, we can find solutions that work for your family’s unique needs.

Back to School, Back to Structure

Thu, 17 Jul 2025 23:23:45 GMT

Co-Parenting Tips for the School Year

The return to school brings new routines, fresh starts, and—for co-parents—an opportunity to realign around what matters most: supporting your children through a smooth and stable school year.

At Family Mediation Hawaii, we often see an increase in parenting plan adjustments and communication challenges during this season. Here are a few tips we share with families navigating this transition:

1. Start with the Calendar

Before the school year picks up speed, take time to share calendars. Include:

· School breaks and holidays

· Parent-teacher conferences

· After-school activities or sports

· Transportation or pickup responsibilities

Using a shared Google Calendar or co-parenting app like OurFamilyWizard can help prevent confusion and reduce last-minute stress.

2. Review Your Parenting Plan

Many parenting plans differentiate between schedules during focus on summer or general visitation, but don’t always account for school-related logistics. Ask yourselves:

· Who handles morning routines and drop-offs?

· How is homework managed across two homes?

· What’s the plan for sick days or school emergencies?

If your current plan doesn’t reflect the realities of the school year, mediation is a collaborative, child-focused way to update it.

3. Communicate Respectfully with Your Co-Parent

Inevitably, unanticipated issues will come up. If at all possible, foster a co-operative, flexible co-parenting dynamic by:

· Give as much notice as possible for proposed changes to the schedule

· Communications should be brief, informative, factual, and focused on the children. If you are worried you can’t do this yourself, ask AI to help! Copy and paste your draft message and ask AI to make it respectful and child-focused.

· Communicate in writing (text or email is ok) with your co-parent so there is a clear record of any agreements

Remember: Next time YOU might be asking your co-parent for a change. By creating a culture of flexibility, you not only make your life easier, but you give your child the gift of amicable parents who can work together to meet their needs.

4. Make Space for Emotions

For some kids, the start of school is exciting. For others, it’s overwhelming—especially if family dynamics are shifting. Try checking in regularly about how your child is feeling, and keep communication with your co-parent focused on shared goals: supporting your child’s well-being and emotional security.

5. Need a Tune-Up? We Can Help.

A lot changes between one school year and the next. If your parenting plan needs updates or you’re facing communication hurdles, mediation can help you work through it with support and structure.

Call us, or fill out the form below for a free consultation

Family Mediation Hawaii Intake Form

Final Thought

Back to school doesn't have to mean back to conflict. With planning, flexibility, and open communication, co-parents can create a stable, loving environment that helps kids thrive—both in and out of the classroom.

Considering Divorce? Here’s Why Mediation Might Be Better

Sat, 26 Apr 2025 00:06:54 GMT

If you're considering divorce in Hawaii, you’re likely navigating one of the most emotional and complex transitions of your life. You may be imagining long court battles, high legal fees, and months (or even years) of stress. But there’s another option— mediation —and it might be a better fit for your family, your finances, and your future.

1. Mediation is Less Expensive Than Court

Legal fees can add up fast in a contested divorce. Between attorney retainers, filing fees, and court costs, traditional divorce can easily cost tens of thousands of dollars. Mediation, on the other hand, typically involves fewer billable hours and shared costs, making it a more affordable path forward.

2. It’s Quicker and More Flexible

Court schedules can drag the divorce process out for months. Mediation sessions are scheduled at your convenience and often resolve issues much faster—sometimes in just a few sessions. It can be done either online or in person, giving you the flexibility to stay comfortable in your own space. You set the pace, not the court docket.

3. You Stay in Control

In court, a judge makes the final decisions about your property, your finances, and your children. In mediation, you and your spouse work collaboratively with a neutral mediator to come to mutually agreeable solutions. This can feel more empowering and less adversarial.

4. It’s Private and Confidential

Court proceedings are public record. Mediation, by contrast, is confidential. Sensitive family matters—like parenting concerns or financial struggles—stay private and are handled with discretion and compassion.

5. It’s Better for Co-Parenting

If you’re raising children together, your relationship with your ex doesn’t end after the divorce is finalized. Mediation fosters communication and cooperation, which can lay the foundation for healthier co-parenting. Children benefit when parents can work together respectfully—even after separation.

6. It Honors Hawaii’s Cultural Values

At Family Mediation Hawaii, we recognize the importance of aloha, ohana, and community. Mediation allows families to navigate change with respect and dignity, guided by culturally aware mediators who understand the local landscape.

Is Mediation Right for You?

If you and your spouse are willing to sit down with a neutral third party to discuss your options, mediation could be a great fit. Even in high-conflict situations, mediation can provide a calmer space to work through tough topics.

�� Ready to explore your options?
Fill out this intake form for a free consultation with Family Mediation Hawaii today. Let’s find a peaceful path forward—together.

How to Choose the Right Mediator for Your Dispute

Fri, 28 Mar 2025 20:23:14 GMT

Selecting a Mediator: Key Considerations for Success

If you're going through a divorce, child custody battle, or other legal dispute, mediation can be an excellent way to resolve the issues without the time, expense, and adversarial nature of litigation. But the success of mediation often comes down to having the right neutral third-party mediator guiding the process. Here are some tips on our to pick an effective mediator:

Get Referrals

Start by asking trusted friends, family members, attorneys, therapists or counselors if they can recommend any good mediators, especially those with experience handling cases similar to yours. You can also check listings from your local courthouse, the Hawaii State Bar Association, or professional mediation organizations.

Consider Their Background

Look for a mediator with formal training and certification in mediation techniques and processes. If it's a family law case, a mediator with a background in family law and family dynamics may be preferable. For other civil disputes, find someone with substantive knowledge of the legal issues involved.

Evaluate Their Style

Different mediators can have very different styles - some are more evaluative while others are purely facilitative. In your initial consultation, assess if their personal style is a good fit for you and your situation. If it's a high-conflict dispute, you may want a more assertive, reality-checking mediator.

Assess Their Credibility

A good mediator should have a track record of resolving cases without the parties having to go to court. You also want someone both parties can realistically trust and view as impartial.

Confirm Logistics

Make sure you understand all the logistics like where mediation will take place, if there are conference rooms, how costs are paid, and the mediator's policies around document sharing and confidentiality.

Value Persistence

Some cases don't fully resolve in the first session. A tenacious mediator who is willing to follow up extensively afterward with both parties can often eventually guide you to a settlement.

Above all, you want a mediator who makes both sides feel heard and comfortable engaging in honest, good-faith negotiations. With the right neutral third party asking insightful questions and keeping talks constructive, you're much more likely to hash out a resolution you can both live with.

Co-parenting During the Holidays

katie@familymediationhawaii.com (Katie Bennett) — Wed, 04 Dec 2024 23:51:38 GMT

A Mediator's Perspective on Holiday Co-Parenting

Holiday Harmony: A Divorce Mediator’s Guide to Successful Co-Parenting

As a family mediator, I’ve seen how the holiday season can amplify co-parenting challenges. Twinkling lights and festive music that evoke joy can also cast shadows of stress and uncertainty for divorced or separated parents. Here’s what I’ve learned from some remarkable families navigating these challenges with goodwill and grace:

The Gift of Child-Centric Planning

In mediation, we emphasize putting children first. It’s not about dividing time equally but creating joyful experiences for our keiki. Parents should ask, “What will make this holiday special for our kids?” rather than, “How do I get my fair share of time?”

I recall a couple who initially fought bitterly over Christmas. When I asked them to imagine their children’s ideal holiday, they realized the kids were most excited about Christmas morning. This led them to establish a new tradition: a special Christmas Eve dinner with one parent and a magical Christmas morning with the other, alternating each year.

Unwrapping Clear Communication

Clear, early communication ties everything together. Parents should start holiday discussions early, long before seasonal pressures set in. Last-minute planning typically leads to conflict. A shared digital calendar can be a game-changer, allowing parents to discuss plans in advance and reduce misunderstandings.

One family I worked with held semi-annual co-parenting meetings to plan for the year. The mother noted, “We’re such better parents when we can explain to our children what to expect.”

The Most Valuable Currency

Flexibility is often the most valuable currency in mediation. The ability to adapt can transform the holiday experience.

One father, initially devastated about not having his children on Christmas Day, embraced celebrating “Christmas” on December 23rd. To his surprise, his kids loved having two Christmas mornings, and he found joy in creating new traditions.

Emotional Self-Care: The Unsung Hero of Co-Parenting

Parents who manage their emotions effectively navigate holiday challenges better. It’s normal to feel a range of emotions during this time, but how those feelings are processed matters. Creating a support network and new traditions for when they’re not with their children can help.

One mother took a holiday trip with girlfriends in alternating years when she didn’t have her children.

The Balancing Act of Involving Children

Involving children in holiday planning can be beneficial but requires balance. Kids shouldn’t feel burdened with adult decisions, but age-appropriate choices help them feel secure and valued.

One set of parents asked their kids to suggest new traditions for each household post-divorce. A gingerbread house competition and Christmas movie marathon became beloved new parts of their holiday celebrations.

Extended Family: The Supporting Cast

Managing extended family often presents hidden challenges in holiday co-parenting. Parents should have open conversations with relatives and set clear boundaries, ensuring that negative talk about the child’s other parent is off-limits.

In one case, tension between grandparents caused stress for the family. We devised a plan for both sets of grandparents to attend a school holiday concert, creating a neutral, child-focused event where everyone could celebrate together.

The Power of Shared Moments

While it may not be suitable for all situations, I’ve seen remarkable outcomes when parents share holiday moments. Even brief periods of coming together can profoundly impact children.

One family began a tradition of both parents having breakfast with the children on Christmas morning, which the kids often mention as their favorite part of the holidays. They loved seeing their parents cooperate and share in their joy.

Keeping Perspective: It’s a Season, Not a Lifetime

The holidays are just a small part of the year. Your overall co-parenting relationship and children's long-term well-being are what truly matter. Each family is unique. Finding what works best for you, your co-parent, and your children is a journey. As you navigate this holiday season, focus on creating positive memories. In the end, that’s the greatest gift any parent can give their child.

Divorce Doesn't Have to be Spooky: Our Guide to a Not-So-Scary Split

Fri, 18 Oct 2024 23:18:06 GMT

Surviving Divorce: From Scary Story to Success Story

Like a Halloween tale that starts with fog rolling in and shadows lengthening, divorce can cast an eerie pall over your once-familiar life. The financial uncertainties, changing relationships, and unfamiliar terrain ahead might feel as daunting as a dark forest. But unlike those spooky stories, this one leads not to terror but to transformation. Let's turn on the lights and look at how to navigate these changes with confidence.

Understanding Alimony

Financial obligations like alimony can significantly impact your budget. Rather than viewing it as a burden, treat it as part of your new financial reality that requires strategic planning. Use this transition to review your spending, develop a sustainable budget, and possibly explore additional income sources. Many people find that post-divorce financial planning helps them develop stronger money management skills.

Maintaining Parent-Child Relationships

Perhaps the most significant challenge of divorce is adapting to spending less time with your children. While the adjustment is difficult, you can maintain strong connections through intentional effort. Regular video calls, shared activities, and consistent communication help preserve your bond. Many parents find that focused, quality time can be more meaningful than quantity alone.

Creating a New Home

Leaving a shared home often feels like a setback, but it's also an opportunity to create a space that supports your next chapter. Whether you're downsizing or relocating, focus on making your new place functional and comfortable. Consider this move a chance to declutter, reorganize, and design a space that works for your new lifestyle.

Moving Forward

Divorce marks a significant life transition, but it doesn't define your future. Focus on practical steps: building a support network, maintaining professional stability, and taking care of your physical and mental health. Many people discover unexpected strengths and opportunities for personal growth during this process.

Conclusion

While divorce brings undeniable challenges, approaching them pragmatically can help you navigate this transition successfully. Focus on what you can control: your finances, your relationships, and your personal growth. With time and attention to these key areas, you can turn this challenging chapter into a story of resilience and renewal.

Navigating Divorce

Tue, 03 Sep 2024 23:37:28 GMT

Supporting Your Children Through the Storm

Divorce is a challenging life event for everyone involved, but it can be particularly difficult for children. As parents, it's crucial to prioritize your kids' emotional well-being during this turbulent time. Here are some key strategies to help your children cope with divorce:

Open Communication: Be honest with your children about the situation but do this in a developmentally appropriate, child-focused manner. Children DON’T need to hear all the details and hurt from your perspective. Children need to know that their needs will continue to be met. Encourage them to express their feelings and concerns openly.
Maintain Routine: Kids thrive on stability. Try to keep their daily routines as consistent as possible, including school, activities, and time with friends.
Co-Parent Cooperatively: Despite your differences, work together with your ex-spouse to make important decisions about your children. Present a united front to provide security and consistency.
Avoid Blame: Never speak negatively about your ex-partner in front of the children. This can create loyalty conflicts and emotional distress.
Reassure Love: Constantly remind your children that both parents love them unconditionally. Reassure them that the divorce is not their fault.
Listen Actively: Pay attention to your children's verbal and non-verbal cues. Sometimes, they may not know how to express their feelings directly.
Seek Professional Help: Consider family therapy or counseling to help everyone process their emotions in a healthy manner.
Encourage Relationships: Support your children's relationships with extended family members on both sides. These connections can provide additional emotional support.
Be Patient: Adjustment takes time. Your children may experience a range of emotions, including anger, sadness, and confusion. Allow them to process at their own pace.
Take Care of Yourself: Remember that your well-being affects your children. Ensure you're addressing your own emotional needs to be better equipped to support your kids.

Remember, while divorce is undoubtedly challenging, many children of divorced parents grow up to be well-adjusted adults. By prioritizing your children's needs and fostering a supportive environment, you can help them navigate this difficult transition and emerge resilient.

How to Save Money in your Divorce

Tue, 13 Aug 2024 23:43:30 GMT

Save Money with Mediation

Divorce can be an emotionally and financially draining process. However, mediation offers a

cost-effective alternative to traditional litigation, allowing couples to resolve their differences

amicably and efficiently. Here are some practical tips to help you maximize your savings through

mediation.

First , take advantage of available resources. Hawaii offers a free class called Divorce Law in

Hawaii once a month from 12-1pm via Zoom. These sessions can provide valuable insights into

the law in Hawaii and an overview of the process. Additionally, courts often provide handouts

and instructional materials that can serve as useful references throughout your mediation

journey. By utilizing these free resources, you can gain a better understanding of what to expect

and how to prepare, potentially reducing the time and money spent on professional services.

Managing your emotions is crucial during this challenging time. Consider working with a

therapist to help you cope with the stress of divorce and improve your decision-making abilities.

A clear, level-headed approach can lead to more productive mediation sessions and faster

resolutions, ultimately saving you both time and money. Remember, emotional turmoil can cloud

judgment and prolong negotiations, so investing in your mental health can have significant

financial benefits.

Getting the right help is essential for making informed decisions about your financial future.

Consult with professionals such as mortgage brokers, financial planners, or tax professionals

who can provide expert advice tailored to your situation. They can help you explore options like

refinancing your mortgage or create a realistic post-divorce budget. Understanding your

financial position and possibilities can lead to more effective negotiations and better long-term

outcomes.

Lastly, try to negotiate directly with your spouse on items you can agree upon. Identify areas of

common ground and work together to resolve simpler issues before bringing them to mediation.

This approach can significantly reduce the time spent in formal sessions, lowering overall costs.

Remember, every item you can settle independently is one less thing to pay a mediator to

resolve.

By implementing these strategies, you can navigate the mediation process more efficiently and

cost-effectively. While divorce is never easy, mediation offers a path to resolution that can

preserve both your financial resources and your peace of mind.

Top Reasons to Mediate

Fri, 05 Jul 2024 22:42:54 GMT

Top Reasons to Mediate

When facing the difficult process of divorce, many couples find that mediation provides a better path forward compared to traditional litigation. Mediation allows you to privately work through the terms of your divorce with your spouse outside of court, guided by a neutral third-party mediator. Litigation can be expensive, combative, and leave major decisions up to a judge.

Key advantages of the mediation process include:

Confidentiality - Unlike public court proceedings, mediation takes place in a private setting, allowing parties to candidly discuss sensitive personal matters like finances, child custody, and intimate relationship details outside of the public eye. This confidentiality protects families' privacy.
Efficiency - Divorce mediation generally happens much faster than litigation. You're able to work through issues based on your schedule, rather than the court docket, and finalize a settlement far sooner.
Cost Savings - With mediation, parties avoid the steep costs of each hiring a divorce attorney for repeated court appearances over an extended period. A single mediator's fees are substantially less expensive, especially if the couple can reach an uncontested agreement. If both parties decide to bring an attorney to mediation, initially the cost is greater initially as you are paying three professionals, but parties generally reach an agreement faster which can decrease the overall cost.
Greater Adherence to Agreements - When you've actively participated in crafting your divorce settlement, you're more invested in upholding the agreed-upon terms moving forward. Agreements reached through compromise tend to stick better than orders imposed by a judge.
Creative Solutions - Judges are bound by laws that can be rigid when resolving divorce issues like asset division and child custody arrangements. Mediation allows you and your spouse more flexibility to develop customized solutions tailored to your unique situation.
Parties Retain Control - In litigation, a judge who doesn't truly know the details of your circumstances makes major decisions about your divorce. With mediation, you and your spouse retain control over the outcome through negotiation and compromise.
Better Communication - The mediation process itself helps foster more productive communication between divorcing spouses. With the mediator's guidance, you'll develop skills for conflict resolution and constructive dialogue - something that's invaluable when co-parenting.

For couples seeking an amicable exit from their marriage, divorce mediation presents a less costly, less combative, and more personalized means of effectuating the dissolution while protecting privacy and promoting healthy post-divorce family dynamics

Five Tips for A Healthy Divorce

Wed, 19 Apr 2023 23:31:09 GMT

See the article:

View the article from Hawaii Business Magazine.

Best Practices for Managing Parent-Child Contact Problems

Tue, 16 Aug 2022 15:10:48 GMT

The Boards of Directors of both the Association of Family and Conciliation Courts and the National Council of Juvenile and Family Court Judges have approved a Joint Statement on Parent-Child Contact Problems. The statement accomplishes several objectives. It acknowledges risk to children of polarized perspectives and emphasizes the importance of effectively addressing parent-child contact problems by adopting a child-centered approach. In order to reach these objectives, the statement calls for increased professional competence, screening for safety, conflict, and parent-child contact problems, the full consideration of all factors that may contribute to parent-child contact problems while conducting individual case analyses and referring to appropriate and proportional services and interventions when necessary.

The Statement is below:

AFCC AND NCJFCJ

JOINT STATEMENT ON PARENT-CHILD CONTACT PROBLEMS

Problem Statement:

The vast majority of separating and divorcing parents maintain safe, healthy, and positive relationships with their children; however, a small percentage of parent-child relationships remain strained and/or problematic. Children are at greater risk when parent-child contact problems are not effectively addressed and when family law professionals and others echo and intensify the polarization within the family. This problem may be exacerbated by (1) gendered and politicized assumptions that either parental alienation or intimate partner violence is the determinative issue; (2) contradictory rhetoric about the application of research findings and the efficacy of interventions; (3) indiscriminate use of services; and (4) a lack of understanding of different perspectives, education among family law practitioners, and resources.

AFCC and NCJFCJ support transparent, informed, and deliberate dialogue and response to parent-child contact problems following separation and divorce, or when the parents have never resided together, by adhering to the following considerations:

Adopt a child-centered approach

Children’s behavior should be considered in the context of what is normal for a child’s age, developmental stage, and the family socio-cultural-religious norms. This behavior may also be an expectable, adaptive reaction to stress, change, or an adverse childhood experience. The paramount focus of practitioners working with parent-child contact problems should be to promote the safety, interests, rights, and wellbeing of children and their parents/caregivers at all socioeconomic levels. Children should have the opportunity to express their views in family justice matters that concern them. The stated views of children are not necessarily determinative of their best interests. There are multiple factors that may contribute to children expressing views that do not reflect their best interests. Family justice practitioners should understand the basis for the child’s expressed wishes and acknowledge their rights.

2. Increase competence in working with parent-child-contact problems

Specialized knowledge and skill are necessary to work effectively with families with parent-child contact problems. Family law practitioners should receive regular and ongoing training on the various factors related to parent-child contact problems including, but not limited to intimate partner violence, substance misuse, high conflict, denigration, parental alienating behaviors, and healthy parenting.

3. Screen for safety, conflict, and parent-child contact problems

In addition to initial and ongoing screening for safety, intimate partner violence and power- imbalances within families in all family law cases, parent-child contact issues, once identified, should be uniquely screened for safety and family risk factors, including the severity, frequency, and impact. Practitioners should, in all cases, employ a structured and evidence-informed screening for family risk factors.

4. Fully consider all factors that may contribute to parent-child contact problems

There should be no immediate label used for parent-child contact problems as there are multiple factors and dynamics that may account for these issues. These include interparental conflict before and after the separation, sibling relationships, the adversarial process/litigation, third parties such as aligned professionals and extended family, a lack of functional co-parenting, poor or conflictual parental communication, child maltreatment, a response to a parent’s abusive behaviors, the direct or indirect exposure to intimate partner violence, parental alienating behaviors, an alignment with a parent in response to high conflict coparenting, or a combination of these factors. Therefore, practitioners should maintain a broad lens and sufficiently consider the relative contribution of each potential factor before conclusions are made about cause.

5. Conduct individual case analysis

Social science research findings can provide the field with valuable information about the group studied but cannot be used to determine the characteristics or experiences of individual parties or children; therefore, each family/case/situation must be specifically examined and informed by the best available evidence. Each case must be examined uniquely to understand the etiology and current dynamics of the problem for the family justice system to intervene in an effective child- focused manner.

6. Refer to appropriate and proportional services and interventions

Practitioners should exercise care in recommending, referring, or ordering family members to services and interventions. These services and interventions should be accessible, accountable, proportional to the nature and severity of factor(s) contributing to the parent-child contact problem(s), particularly when there is a court order requiring such services and interventions. Such services and interventions should be informed by a child-centered approach.

Family Mediation Hawaii featured as a YWCA Enterprising Women of Color Success Story!

Thu, 16 Jun 2022 15:08:41 GMT

KATIE BENNETT

Lead Mediator and Owner, Family Mediation Hawaii

Success:

Selected to be part of the Minority Business Development Agency (MBDA) Enterprising Women of Color Business Center’s Business Certification Training Cohort 5A/5B and Small Business Marketing Bootcamp

“Divorce doesn’t hurt kids; conflict hurts kids.”

That’s according to Katie Bennett, lead mediator at Family Mediation Hawaii—a company that helps families struggling with divorce to discuss and resolve issues, such as child custody, property division, and spousal support.

“It’s ok if you’re not going to stay together, but we need to learn how to disentangle these things,” said Katie, who describes herself as a “reformed family law attorney.”

Upon earning her law degree, Katie began practicing family law at the Legal Aid Society of Hawaii. “I quickly learned that a lot of families didn’t need me to file motions and take it to court; they needed things like housing, childcare and food,” she said.

That prompted her to obtain a master’s degree in social work at the University of Hawaii at Manoa, Myron B. Thompson School of Social Work. In 2011, after many years of practicing family law, she stopped litigating and joined the school’s faculty where she taught history and policy courses for the Bachelor of Social Work program. During this time, she translated her skills and expertise in family law and social work as a volunteer mediator with the Mediation Center of the Pacific. Once her three children were old enough to go to school, Katie realized she could do mediation work privately and began Family Mediation Hawaii, which is now in its fourth year of operation.

“I’ve been very lucky. Judges and attorneys are very supportive of mediation,” she said. “We take these families and put them in a legal box, but the reality is that these are social and health welfare issues—something the law isn’t necessarily set up to handle.”

Family Mediation Hawaii empowers parents to control the terms of their divorce or separation agreement. Mediation is a voluntary and confidential process during which a neutral third person serves as a mediator to encourage and facilitate the resolution of a dispute between two or more parties. Mediators help the parties reach a mutually acceptable and voluntary agreement. The parties decide on the terms; whereas with arbitration and trial, decision-making authority rests with a judge.

Katie’s clients are part of what she refers to as the “gap group”—working families looking to avoid costly legal fees and going to court. Alternatively, those who have the financial means will typically hire expensive attorneys, and those on the opposite end of the spectrum can qualify for low-cost services through the Mediation Center of the Pacific.

When asked what her biggest challenge has been as a woman and small business owner, Katie said: “Having the confidence to do it and take the risk of leaving my cushy state job. It’s super scary. What if you fall on your face? I was so blessed that judges and attorneys had faith in me to settle these cases. It’s also very rare that your three school-aged children inform the work that I do. I’m grateful that my kids make me better at my job.”

Having her own businesses has also given Katie opportunity, freedom, and flexibility to ensure that she and her clients are a good fit and that their values align. “I really want to work with people who share my values for kids to be happy and healthy, and as a mediator, I get to stay consistent with my values,” she explained. “Maybe you [a client] think what you’re saying is in your child’s best interest, but the child is made up of both parents and deserves to have a meaningful relationship with both parents.”

Katie learned about the MBDA Enterprising Women of Color Business Center after hearing Director Marla Momi Musick at a speaking engagement. She has since taken part in the Business Certification Training and Small Business Marketing Bootcamp. “I love the idea of connecting with other women who are also juggling these balls. It was really nice to find a community,” she shared. “I love what YWCA does with connectedness and supporting women. It [the Center] really helped me understand the nature of my business, which will dictate how I market. I can build a qualified team and a bigger social enterprise to help more families, and that’s where the marketing comes in.”

Additional plans for Family Mediation Hawaii include work around divorce prevention and helping parents who aren’t married to develop coparenting plans.

To her fellow women entrepreneurs and small business owners, Katie offers the following advice: “If you love what you do, you’re probably going to be pretty good at it. I’ve seen that with my kids and myself. If you’re really passionate and you can see the need, you are problem-solving—that’s what successful businesses do. You identify a problem and develop a solution. Do what you’re passionate about, stay aligned with your values, and solve people’s problems.”

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My Job as A Family Mediator

Thu, 10 Mar 2022 16:02:52 GMT

My Job as a Family Mediator Is to Minimize the Fallout of Divorce

“It’s not divorce that’s bad for kids; it’s conflict,” says Katie Bennett.

FEBRUARY 28, 2022 VICTORIA BUDIONO

Kate Bennett | Photo: Aaron Yoshino NAME: KATIE BENNETT

JOB: FAMILY MEDIATOR

Beginnings: “I am a reformed divorce attorney. I litigated for many years before I had my kids,” says Katie Bennett.

Motherhood made her realize that conflicts between separating spouses can be hard on the children.

She has a master’s in social work and a law degree from UH Mānoa. She says her expertise in social work helps her understand the emotional issues prevalent in divorce cases.

“Divorce is mostly an emotional issue instead of a legal one.”

Key Skill: “Listening, listening, listening.”

As a mediator, “I have to dig in and understand not what people want but why they want it. It’s important to acknowledge their underlying interests and needs if you really want to help settle a case.”

Bennett says it’s important to hear a situation from both sides. “Even with two great attorneys, it can be hard to settle things without that neutral person who hears from both sides that can help find resolutions that everyone can live with.”

Misconceptions: “I am not their therapist.”

A therapist focuses more on feelings and emotions, Bennett says, but a family mediator helps separating couples reach agreements on their children and finances.

“It is only a brief intervention that is meant to come up with a resolution for the family. I have zero power. Unlike a judge, I can’t force people to do anything.”

She helps find common ground between her clients so they can ameliorate their problems without litigation. And she educates people on not only what the law says, but also on what others have done and what child development experts advise.

“I find mediation to be more consistent with my values because I can tell them what I honestly think.”

The Children: My focus has always been on supporting kids to get the best outcomes,” Bennett says.

“My children make me a better mediator. They help me understand what it’s like to work with young children and teenagers.”

Being a mother of three, she understands how difficult parenting can be and empathizes with struggling parents.

“It’s not divorce that’s bad for kids; it’s conflict. So, if the parents could amicably disentangle, the kids are going to be fine. We want the parents to avoid constantly fighting because that’s when you see some of the negative outcomes.”

Not for everyone: Bennett says mediation can be challenging because it lacks litigation’s discovery component. If her clients cover up finances or personal issues, mediation might not succeed.

Self-care: Bennett’s work, which includes child welfare cases for the Family Court, is emotionally and psychologically challenging. “Working with families in crisis can be tough.”

In fact, while mediating hard-hitting cases, it can be hard to not feel “vicarious trauma,” she says.

She knows she has to care for herself so she can care for her clients. “I do yoga every morning, see my own individual therapist every week and I like to have my weekends off to spend time with my own family.”

This interview has been edited for clarity and conciseness.

This article appears in the March 2022 issue of Hawaii Business Magazine.

Check this out! https://www.hawaiibusiness.com/my-job-as-a-family-mediator-is-to-minimize-the-fallout-of-divorce/

Child Custody: What Happens When Parents Cannot Agree?

Thu, 23 Sep 2021 15:00:14 GMT

Ideally, divorcing or separating parents can work together to create a developmentally appropriate Parenting Plan that prioritizes child well-being. Parenting Plans can and should change over time. For example, a schedule that works well for a four (4) year old, may not be appropriate for a thirteen (13) year old.

At Family Mediation Hawaii, we work with parents to draft and memorialize child-focused Parenting Plans that are clear and specific but also allow for flexibility. Co-Parents understand they are always in charge. If Co-Parents mutually agree to change the Parenting Plan, they can do so. However, if Co-Parents cannot agree, then the Parenting Plan is a fallback to ensure children have meaningful access to both Parents, even when they are fighting.

If Co-Parents cannot agree in mediation or through lawyer negotiation on how to share time with or make decisions about their children, the next step is often a Social Study. In Hawai‛i, families will generally engage a Child Custody Evaluator or Best Interest Fact Finder to assess the family.

Child Custody Evaluator (“CE”) . A CE is a licensed mental health professional, such as a Psychiatrist, Psychologist, Marriage and Family Therapist, or Clinical Social Worker. The CE is appointed to work with the family by the Family Court. The CE meets with both parents and children as well as collateral contacts and writes a confidential report that is filed with the Family Court detailing their observations, assessments, and recommendations for the family. Private Custody Evaluations are costly, generally families pay between $6,000-$12,000 to complete the process. If either parent does not agree with the CE’s recommendations, they can challenge them in Court.

The Judiciary maintains a list of approved CEs available here: https://www.courts.state.hi.us/general_information/child_custody_evaluators_registry

Best Interest Fact Finder (“BIFF”) . A BIFF is most often a family law attorney with experience evaluating families in conflict. A BIFF must be mutually selected and agreed upon by both Parents but is generally court-appointed by stipulation. Much like a CE, a BIFF meets with both parents and children as well as collateral contacts and writes a confidential report that is filed with the Family Court detailing their observations and assessments. If agreed by both Parents, a BIFF may also make recommendations. While BIFFs are slightly less costly than Private Custody Evaluations, generally families pay between $5,000-$10,000 to complete the process. If either parent does not agree with the BIFF report, they can challenge it in Family Court.

Bottom Line: While CEs and BIFFs are necessary in many cases, the expense and stress of the process will negatively impact your family. Children are interviewed and observed with both Parents making it difficult to shield them from the conflict. Parents are incentivized to say negative things about their Co-Parent if they are to “win” custody. Parents who love their children are in the best position to decide what is best for them. Handing those decisions to a well-meaning third party who may have their own implicit bias and subjectivity in decision making should be done only when necessary.

Divorce Process Options

Thu, 29 Jul 2021 14:54:43 GMT

When considering divorce, the follow options are available starting with the lowest cost and conflict level of a kitchen table divorce and moving up the scale to the highest cost and conflict level when the Court must make decisions for your family. Obviously, both parties have an interest in keeping the process low cost, low conflict, and retain some level of control over the final outcome.

Kitchen Table : Parties sit down together and resolve their issues directly. It’s important for both parties to get legal advice in advance so they can be informed in negotiating an agreement on their own. Unbundled legal services can be useful in getting advice and drafting the separation agreement. Parties must be able to communicate amicably and problem-solve on their own.

Mediation : A neutral, third party (Mediator) facilitates negotiations by trying to understand each person’s underlying interests. Parties can decide if they want lawyers present or simply use unbundled legal services before signing off on the separation agreement. Process is voluntary. Parties remain empowered to decide their own outcome and agreements.

Collaborative Practice : Both parties hire a collaborative lawyer to represent them. Collaborative lawyers agree NOT to litigate the divorce. May also involve a family therapist or financial specialist to assist, each family can layer on additional services as needed. If settlement talks fail, parties must hire new attorneys.

Lawyer Negotiation : Both parties hire lawyers to advocate and negotiate on their behalf. If transparency is an issue, lawyers can use court discovery processes to obtain documents and other information. Can escalate to litigation if positions become entrenched and there is no agreement reached.

Arbitration : A Private Judge (Arbitrator) is hired as are lawyers who represent each party. Can be quicker and more streamlined to get an arbitrated decision but tends to be very expensive. Parties can choose their judge.

Court : A Family Court Judge hears the evidence and makes decisions about each case. Parties do not get a final say in the outcome but can appeal the decision. Process is slow, stressful, expensive and often escalates the conflict.

DIY Divorce in Hawaii

Tue, 08 Jun 2021 14:51:42 GMT

The State of Hawai’i allows spouses to be divorced without ever seeing a judge or entering a courtroom. The process is called “Uncontested Divorce by Affidavit” and takes approximately six (6) to ten (10) weeks once all the paperwork is submitted. Obtaining an uncontested divorce requires that both parties agree on all terms of the divorce. The divorce is final after the Divorce Decree has been approved and signed by the Judge and filed-stamped by the court.

Some of the things that must be settled during divorce proceedings are: